Monday, June 2, 2008

Put the Crystal Skull Back, Please  

Film: The wife and I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull tonight (a non-SIFF film to break things up a bit) and wow… all I can say is that it was incredibly disappointing.

Harrison Ford, replaying the 'ka-ching' sound over and over in his head.

For starters, the performances all felt very stiff and lifeless. Nearly every scene felt like it was phoned in or read off a cue card. There was only one brief scene in the entire film that had even a shred of the original spark an energy of the first three films, when an old character makes a surprise appearance. Outside of that, it was like the actors were standing around and waiting for a paycheck.

Careful kid, there are some huge plot holes around here.

The writing was quite bad as well. None of the one-liners hit the mark, and a lot of the dialog felt stilted and unnatural. The characterizations were just as bad. Instead of a brisk film moving quickly, it felt like I was watching shorthand sketches of who the characters were and where they were coming from. Some of it was just plain off… for example, Indy himself has personally seen proof of God twice (Raiders and Crusade) and the probable existence of another higher power at least once (Temple), and all of a sudden he finds it impossible to believe that something else might exist?

The plot itself never came off as more than half-baked, and completely failed to capture my attention or even interest me the way the others did. Not meeting what I expected from a Jones film, Crystal Skull could just as easily starred anyone else and been any other half-baked adventure movie.

Who to blame? That guy over there... it's his fault.

I don't know who exactly to blame (though I'm looking at you, George "Midichlorian" Lucas) but all I’ll say is that just like the last three Star Wars films, Crystal Skull doesn’t exist in my world.

Not Recommended.


...for those of you who haven't seen the movie. I'm about to list just a handful of the things that completely sucked, so don't read any more of this post if you're worried about possible spoilage.

> The FBI agents leaning so hard on Indy at the start vanishing without even a quip at the end.

>CGI prairie dogs.

>CGI monkeys.

>Surviving a nuclear bomb blast in a fridge. The impact alone was broken neck territory.

>Falling down three waterfalls unharmed? How much disbelief am I supposed to suspend?

>Shia LeBoeuf becoming Tarzan of the Apes.

>The skull impossibly magnetic only part of the time.

>Wasting John Hurt as the madman.

>South American capoeira experts inexplicably wearing skull masks and randomly hanging out in crypts for archaeologists to wander in? WTF?

>South Americans living inside the stone walls of a temple and popping out whenever someone violates their territory? Again, an even more emphatic WTF?

>The python used as a rope.

>The British double-triple-oh-wait-I’m-just-greedy agent. Snore!

…I could go on about the ants, the psychic who can’t read minds, the extra-dimensional alien melding and so on, but I'm already waaaaay over my alloted 'ranting fanboy' quota for the night.

I'll have to be extra good for the next few posts to make up for it.

What next?

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